


BlackOut

by PinkLotus (EspurrsVena)



Series: 101 [1]
Category: JO1 (Japan Band), Produce 101 (TV), Produce 101 Japan
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Beta, Past Kawanishi Takumi/Kim Heecheon, Past Kawashiri Ren/Ohira Shosei, Past Relationship(s), Song Lyrics, mentions of cyber bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22316971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EspurrsVena/pseuds/PinkLotus
Summary: After HeeCheon left the program, Takumi feels a hole in his life. Meeting him again doesn't change it. Yet he is not the only one who can't sleep because of regrets from the past.
Relationships: Kawanishi Takumi/Kim Heecheon, slight Kawanishi Takumi/Kawashiri Ren
Series: 101 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611127
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	BlackOut

_**空は真っ暗 一歩も踏み出せない** _  
_The sky is pitch black I can’t make even one step forward_  
_**君の光を見失った 合図を何か送ってよ** _  
_I can’t see your light please send me some sign_  
_**嘘と言って あの日を今すぐ取り消して** _  
_Tell me it was a lie take this day back right now_  
_**わずかな希望を追いかけて** _  
_Chased a small hope_  
_**届かなくて 涙 目覚めた** _  
_Could not reach it and woke up with tears in my eyes_

It was something Takumi had feared since the first time he heard about the hate comments. 

HeeCheon was a sensible person who went through a lot during his career and Takumi had wished so much for him to get his second chance. As someone who had no experience in the industry, Takumi could only imagine how crushing it was for a dream to come true at first, but then having no success so that you are only left with the choice of disbanding and starting new somewhere else. However, a part of him was also glad that this happened. Otherwise they would have never met and the other trainee’s experience had helped him more than once. 

At first their relationship was a simple senior/junior relationship. When Takumi was transferred into the A class, he sought out help from the more experienced trainees like HeeCheon. He had no formal training before, but he wanted to honour his ranking and not embarrass everyone during the recording. They grew closer while training together and at some point, it became something more than a friendship for him. When they left Korea and did not see each other for a few weeks, Takumi felt something was missing. They messaged each other daily, yet when they finally met in person again, only then Takumi felt whole again. 

Yet it was also the time the first hateful comments reached HeeCheon cause the airing of the show had started finally. Takumi did his best to distract him from the comments and the two grew even more closer because of this. Naturally, he also grew closer to a lot of other trainees like Ren for example, but his relationship with HeeCheon stayed sometimes special. Something he could not put words on until it was too late. 

With every episode that aired the slander got worse. The tall Korean guy had a lot of fans but the hate seemed to affect him more than the love he received. Suddenly, one evening when they finished preparing for the final ranking before the final, Takumi found HeeCheon packing up his suitcase. 

“Why are you packing? There is no way you are not in the Top 20.” Somewhere in his mind, he already knew the reason yet he did not want to believe it.  
“No, Takumi. I will not wait for the ranking. I will go tonight.”  
“But our promise! We wanted to debut together.”  
“Takumi will debut for the two of us. I know you can do it.” 

Before HeeCheon could add any more clothes to his suitcase, Takumi pulled him into his arms. “If you leave the show, I’ll leave the show, too.”  
“No, you have to debut.”  
“I can’t do this without you.”  
“You can. You have talent.”  
“I need you.” 

“Not anymore.” The older trainee tried to push him away and continue with his previous action, yet Takumi did not let him go. He might be short, but he was stronger than most people expected him to be.  
“I need you in my life, HeeCheon.”  
“No. You don’t need someone who will make your dream difficult.”  
“Please, HeeCheon, don’t go. I lo-”  
“Don’t say it.” This time HeeCheon managed to break free from him. “I will miss you, Takumi. Promise me that you will take the world when you debut.”  
The pink haired trainee couldn’t say anything in this moment. Faster than he wanted him to HeeCheon had finished packing his suitcase. 

“Please. You can’t leave like that.”  
“It is better this way.” Before Takumi could do anything, he was pulled into an embrace. “I will not forget our time.” Just like in a dream two soft lips touched his ones and he closed his eyes to fully enjoy this moment, yet when he opened them again, HeeCheon had left already. The only things that were left of him where the feeling on Takumi’s lips and one of his earrings still laying on the bed. 

That night kept haunting Takumi. He kept smiling in front of the camera but once the cameras were turned off, his cheerfulness was also turned off. He barely slept cause every time he closed his eyes, he felt the kiss again and saw the other one leaving. A few other trainees tried to offer him comfort and Hico did everything to make him smile, yet there was still the big hole HeeCheon had left. Ren was the only one who did not pester him to smile more. In fact, Ren’s silent hugs were the only small comfort Takumi could find. He somehow felt like the grey haired one was the only one who really understood him. 

Even when he became a member of JO1, his first thoughts went to HeeCheon. Had he watched the final? Was he proud of him? He had tried to message the older Korean but a reply never came.  
So, when his new group travelled to Korea to train for their debut, he was shocked that one evening YoungHoon and YounDoung showed up with HeeCheon to give them a Seoul nightlife tour.  
However, they did not talk much that night. HeeCheon seemed to distance himself from him and in the end, they only had a small conversation. 

“I was wondering where my earring was. I’m glad you have it.”  
“I am wearing it every day since you left.”  
“That makes me happy.” 

After they returned to the hotel it was impossible for Takumi to sleep. He knew that he had to sleep cause a lot of work was waiting for him the next day, yet his thoughts kept him awake. Because lying in bed did not make much sense to him, he started to wander through the corridors of the hotel they were staying at. 

“Can’t sleep, too?” He heard suddenly Ren’s voice beside him.  
“Waa, don’t scare me!”  
“It’s not my fault you did not notice me. I called your name... twice.”  
“Okay okay. But why did you say can’t sleep too? You are the one who can always sleep literally everywhere.” Seeing Ren sleepless was in fact something new to Takumi. Ren’s sleeping ability was something he envied. “Who are you and what did you do with the real Ren?”  
“Not funny. Did you watch Shosei tonight?” 

“Not really to be honest.” Shosei and the other members, who weren’t adults in Japan yet, did enjoy the fact that the Korean drinking age was lower than in Japan, so everyone besides Issei had a few drinks that night. They had to carry Shosei back to the hotel, yet Takumi thought that the younger one was just weak regarding alcohol. His focus that night had been someone else.  
“Ah of course.”, nodded Ren understanding. “I feel it was my fault.”  
“Why should it be your fault?” Takumi remembered the few moments when his focus wasn’t the taller Korean, Ren even tried to make Shosei stop drinking at some point.  
“I think he is still not over it.” 

Ren and Shosei had a brief relationship during the program. Shosei had fallen in love to the other dancer when they prepared for the class evaluation and while they seemed a sweet couple at first, it became too much for Ren at some point. He was the sole reason for Shosei’s drive to become better and exactly because he liked the other one, he wanted him to become his own person. Shortly after Shosei had to leave the Domino team, the two broke up. Cause the dorm rooms were assigned by the song teams back then, Takumi had witnessed most of the break up.  
“He seemed to be fine to me recently.”  
“He kept doing the opposite of what I told him. When I said he had enough, he ordered a new drink.” The grey-haired dancer sighed. “He tries too hard to prove that he is his own person. I wish I had said something else back then.” 

“You can’t change the past.” More than once Takumi also had wished he had said something else the night HeeCheon left. Maybe there would have been something that would have made him stay.  
“No, I can’t. But we are one group now and this is my fault. I wish I could do something. Not just for him, also for the group. My stupid words should not be the reason for problems during our debut.”  
“Give him time. I’m sure he will get better.”  
“Speaking from experience?”  
“I wish.” Takumi wished he could do that. But his own breakup, if one could call it a breakup, still hurt. 

“We suck as boyfriends, don’t we? We wanted the best the ones we love, yet in the end we’ve hurt them more.” The Ren right now wasn’t the confident leader he was on stage or during rehearsals but someone full of doubts who just wanted the best for everyone without much thinking about himself. If Takumi was honest, he would admit that he liked this Ren more. Stage-Ren had been frightening with all his talents at first, but this Ren let the two of them become close.  
“Yeah I should have stayed with girls.” When he broke up with his ex-girlfriend before the audition it hadn’t hurt nearly as much as when HeeCheon had left.  
“Same.” 

For a time, they didn’t say anything. Yet, suddenly the lyrics from Blackout came into Takumi’s mind. “ _Hikaru mo naku Melody mo nai koko ha nokosareta haikyo_ ”, he sang softly.  
“That was his part, wasn’t it?”  
“Yes, but it fits. But at least I have a melody.”  
Ren slightly smiled about that bad pun. “But this night will end.” 

“Yeah in...” Takumi quickly checked his phone. “in 4 hours and 38 minutes when our alarm goes off.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”  
“I know. Just let me try to be funny.”  
“Keigo’s Michael Jackson joke is funnier.”  
“Oh my god. Now you’ve managed to hurt me, too, Kawashiri Ren. And I thought you could help me.” Even though he wanted to make the other one laugh, Takumi felt his first genuine laughter in weeks come out from himself.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“You are not.”  
“True.” At that moment both were laughing and they felt some weight dropping from their shoulders. 

“We should go to sleep.” As always Ren was the more responsible one of them.  
“Yes, we should.”  
“If you ever need someone, please come to me. I might be an awful boyfriend, but I’m always there for my friends. You should not let that thing eat you up.”  
“No way. You share a room with Ruki. If he gets to know this, Kousuke will know it five minutes later and the next day, all former trainees will know that.”  
“And you are sure, they don’t know it yet?”  
“Yes, because Hico’s heart isn’t broken yet.” Even though Hico was just like a little brother to Takumi, he could never break the heart of the younger one. He was too pure. “And you are not a shitty boyfriend. I’m sure the next time, you will do better.”  
“If there is a next time... But I have to admit I would date you.” That statement made Takumi freeze for a second. “If you were a girl. Hico-chan was cute.”, added the older one quickly.  
“Stop it. I want to forget that even more than this heartbreak.”  
“But you were cute.” 

“I guess Shosei wasn’t the only one who drank too much tonight. Good night, Ren.”  
Feeling much better Takumi returned to his room and even managed to get some sleep for the night. For once HeeCheon’s departure didn’t haunt his dreams. Instead he dreamed he was dressed once again in girl’s clothes and went on a date with Ren. When he woke up, he made a mental note never to talk about this episode before sleep again, yet he felt much better than he expected. The talk with Ren had helped him as silly as it was in the end.  
However, when he got ready for the practice that day, he still put on HeeCheon’s earring. At least one part of him should return to the stage where he belonged, no matter what has happened or not happened between them, thought Takumi.

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on my thesis but here we are. I felt in love with Produce 101 Japan & JO1, especially the trainees mentioned in this OS. Sadly, there are not much English FFs out there yet. I'm thinking to write one from Ren's perspective next...  
> I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
